I really needed to hear that...

Today at church we had a guest teacher, Frank. He taught on Psalm 145... I really needed to hear it. God is who he says he is, he is never changing, in spite of circumstances, struggles and our failures- God still IS.
Last night I went to bed just full of hurt, frustration and a feeling of betrayal. I don't need to get into details, considering this is a public blog. I really struggled with my role as a woman and as a child of God because of it. It's always so easy to know what the right thing to do is when life is going well. It's easy to praise God, love him, be thankful and honor him when everything is "kosher". However when we have a Job moment we tend to struggle with the verses such as, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

It makes you want to shout out to God, makes you shed any and all layers of religion and you want to storm in the the throne room and ask "WHY me?! HOW can this be YOUR will? How are you sovereign when I am suffering??! Why and I hurting?" This is good for us, for me. To stop being religious and come back to the place where I am real with God, where my relationship is intimate and my own. Oh I am still very aware of WHO God is, there is still that "fear" of the Lord, that respect and awe, but there is also that closeness that allows me to come boldly to the throne of grace and cry out "Help me Abba (Father, Daddy) , comfort me, guide me, I need wisdom and shelter!" (Hebrew 4:16 Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.)
I went to bed with the inner struggle of making my own plans, mapping out scenarios on how to handle my feelings and the situation and on the other hand seeking God's wisdom, asking myself truly what would honor God, how would he want me to handle this? Really what WOULD Jesus do? There was a stark difference in what I wanted to happen, how I wanted to handle things and what God would require of me. I wanted to cause the person/s who hurt me the same pain, hurt, feelings of betrayal and rejection. I felt and still struggle that it is my right, after all my anger is justified, it is righteous in my eyes. I wanted to scream out "Why am I not being treated the way I should be!?" Because you know, I am so perfect, sinless and never do I wrong ANYONE... yeah RIGHT.
Do we ever truly get what we deserve? Due to God's grace and mercy, thank goodness we do not. On the other side of the coin I struggled with knowing that God requires me to be just, yes... but also merciful and to walk humble with Him. (Micah 6:8) To love like Christ, to forgive like Christ. Love is patient, kind, forgiving, uplifting, thinks no evil. Unfortunately none of the plans I had included being patient, kind, forgiving nor uplifting. I am not saying we should let people walk all over us. I am saying that I should not trample on something I want to preserve, hurt people I love out of anger. I should and want to love them with a pure love and kind love, a... dare I say it holy love. God revealed something early on in this struggle that helped me find some rest and comfort in him. He helped me realize that what was done was not done to hurt me. Even though it did hurt me deeply. The trust, comfort and relationship will need to somehow be rebuilt with God's help. In that I still can only see so far, but I know that God wants to heal my heart.
As I sat in church and listened to the attributes of God, his compassion and love towards us and listening to Frank talk about how worthless head knowledge and religion is without it penetrating your heart and overflowing out through your actions. I just realized that I need to be ... tenderhearted, Christ-like. Not in a way that is insincere of course, but I realized that it was/is my desire to be loving. This isn't easy for me, I am not sure it is for anyone, human nature dictates that if we are hurt our reaction is to be one of defense for survival if you will. But I want something different, I want to stop running, I want to turn around take God's hand and look this in the face. I want to see a perfect work that only God can do. I want this to honor him. The only way I know how to let my life and my relationships honor God is to step aside and say, "Lord, you lead, help me to follow even if I don't understand, even if I feel like running, if I feel cheated or threatened, Lord let me stand firm in YOU and who you are. Because I know that you are faithful, your love is a perfect love, your wisdom is beyond any other. You are MY El-Shaddai."
I am unsure of what will happen and how things will turn out. But I do know that Romans 8:28 says "we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." and Jeremiah 29:11 says- "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."