Where I've been and where I'm "growing"...

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

 

I haven't blogged much on here. I mean really blogged. I've been busy. Busy with work, busy with life, being busy and keeping busy. Busy. Busy so I didn't have to stop and deal. Busy, so I didn't have to look around me and focus on what needed attention. Busy because I made myself that way. Busy because there are/were things in my life that I just didn't want there. Spiritually this past year as kicked my a$$. Yes, I said it. Why has it been hard? It's been hard because I want something I can't have, and in that I pushed everything and everyone else away. And every time God gently beckoned me with His grace and love to come back, I in my foolishness refused. Dug my heels in and said "I KNOW you can fix this but you won't, I KNOW you can even change my heart and place in it Your perfect desires, but I don't want that. I want what I want." And I heard the still small voice, "delight yourself in the Lord and HE/I will give you the

desires of your heart." Not the desires I want, but His perfect desires for me. Still I refused, turned my back.  Dove into work. Still God's grace followed me. He chose to bless me with work that I love and wonderful friendships, new and renewed. There was, at certain points where I turned around and was afraid that I would so harden my heart like Pharaoh that God would let me, let me wallow, let me turn away and let me run and never allow me to return. Lord, I am not testing you, I just struggle. In that fear of not being near my God, My Savior, My Abba, my first love I ran back. But only to struggle more, give up easier, get madder. Still God has held me in His grip of grace, sheltered me under the shadow of His wings... and waited. Waited for me to break, for me to cry, for me to LET IT GO.  Beckoning me softly to the cross, where I know there is love, forgiveness, grace, mercy and PEACE that surpasses all understanding. Each Sunday He still spoke to me at church. Blessed me with nuggets of truth, chastised me with great love and care. Helped me feel the conviction in my heart when I needed it. He still wanted/wants something to do with me. Regardless of my foolishness.

At one point I felt so far away and I knew that it was my own doing that I could not take communion. Let me clarify, I could have taken communion. I could have turned from myself, my sin/rebellion and repented. I could have done that. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. I know that promise, I know that book, I memorized that chapter. I KNEW, yet I chose foolishness. To not repent, not ask for forgiveness and not give it over to God. I chose to rather say " I don't want to take communion, my heart isn't right", instead of asking for my heart to be renewed and made right before God and others. "For rebellion is as the sin of divination, And insubordination is as iniquity and idolatry..."1 Samuel 15:23. How it rings true.

How selfish, and foolish. Because I know that what is best for me and what I truly want and need is God's perfect will for me, not what I want for myself. Don't get me wrong I know it's not a sin or bad to want things and have hopes and dreams. But how much better, how much sweeter are those hopes and dreams when they are from God in his perfect love. The giver of all good gifts. And when they point you towards your Maker, when they glorify and honor Him, rather than turn you away and only seek to satisfy yourself. Lord you've drawn me with your kindness, beckoned me gently with your love, your beauty in all things- followed me, even the darkness I chose to run to- so constant, unfailing, beautiful Savior, I love you. Lead me to the Cross, the beautiful, wondrous, mysterious, powerful, saving grace of the Cross, don't let me leave. Help me to fully surrender. Don't let me run Lord Jesus, I'm tired of running. If I could be as faithful to You as I am stubborn...

Last year I took the summer off, this year I am taking a little break also. I'm excited. I need this break. Not because I don't like what I do but because I want to sit at Jesus' feet, glean, refresh, renew. AND reorganize. I'm excited to see where God will take me and lead me. I always say I am so excited to see how God will grow my little girls, how I pray for them and that my desire is to see them draw near to God and  run after Him, passionate love Him and I am excited to see what God will do in their lives. Truth is, God's just as excited about me as we both are about my girls. I've got a lot of growing to do and I'm still someone's little girl and He isn't done with me yet.

(for those that are praying for me, have prayed for me, have listened to my nonsense. I thank God for you.)