Just give me Jesus... ("just" a mom day)

We're praying/looking/searching for a home church. You would think that in an area that is this concentrated with people there would be one we feel at home at. Oh there are plenty of places of worship, that's not the problem. (you'll see at the end, part of the problem is me)

I'm not asking for a lot in a church. I just want Jesus. I want his word taught in context, I want meat... depth, to dig deeper, drink longer and savor every crumb. Give me nuggets to "hide in my heart, that I may not sin against you", I want truth that I can chew on, digest, meditate on... Psalm 1:1-3. I want Jesus, I want to see Him clearly, hear Him clearly- challenge me to be a doer and not just a hearer- James 1. I want to hear passion, a passion for God, for Christ, for his love, for His word, for ALL people, not just this generation, not just believers, not just church goers or a certain denomination, not just Americans. I want a sermon that will have me walking away- thinking, searching, drawing near to God, clinging to the the cross, looking within myself, one that challenges me to not only acknowledge my sin and short comings but a sermon where the Spirit speaks to me and demands a change due to my love for Christ. A change of my heart, my actions, a drive and push to love Christ more. A message straight from God that stokes the fires and gives me no choice but to go out and love like Christ, serve like Christ, to die to self, to decrease and Christ increase. A sermon that screams "I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes". Lord, I thirst. I want to worship, to draw near to, Proskunew -"kiss toward", give reverence. I guess I want the throne room.

I'm not saying we haven't been to any churches that God wasn't there. Please know that, I am not saying the churches here are dead or anything like that. There are churches/ministries here where God is working and moving. Sheep are being fed, the community is being served. We just don't feel lead to go to any of the ones we have visited.

Perhaps this isn't about a home church, perhaps this is about me. My heart, what God wants from me and FOR me. What God is showing me in my heart, the changes that need to be made. Perhaps this is a challenge for me to draw nearer, deeper and be diligent and stay longer. Cleanse my heart. No, this isn't about church, not completely anyway. John MacArthur gave a sermon once where he said, "But it's not just the minister who is responsible to study the Word of God, not just the minister to discern its truths. In the book of Acts there is a great testimony given with regard to a group of people, they're called the Bereans, that because they lived in a town called Berea. And when the Apostle Paul went there, he preached the truth to them. It says in verse 11 of Acts 17, "These were more noble minded than those in Thessalonica for they received the Word with great eagerness, examining the Scriptures daily to see whether these things were so." This hunger I feel, this thirst I feel. It is the Spirit drawing me, challenging me, calling me. Joshua 1:8 "This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success."

I have been stressed lately, I have been moody, tired, cranky. What I need, is to slow down and draw near to God. Rest under the shadow of His wings. Remember who God is, and what He is not. He is HOLY, my deliverer, my strength and shield, provision, Shepard, councilor, redeemer, friend, Abba, omnipotent, sovereign, loving, kind, gentle, just PERFECT. He does not seek to punish me to "teach me a lesson", He isn't "out to get me". I am stressed because I am looking around me at boxes and inwardly. I know, I know. Get over yourself, it's not always about YOU, 99.9% of the time it's not about YOU. Why does my outlook change so quickly from "up" look towards Christ, God and eternity, to inward, myself.

I was talking to Diva about our lives being but a vapor. Actually I was singing, "I am a flower quickly fading..." (I know poor child, she has to live with my horrible singing), and she asked what quickly fading meant, our lives pass too quickly to be so focused on ourselves. When will I ever learn. On the time line of eternity how much of this short time of chaos will really matter. Will the boxes matter? Unpacking? A Clean house? Life is but a vapor, I need to remember that as I pour into my children. This is no mundane task. He has set eternity in their hearts. He has given them to me for the time being, to love and care for. I must not look at these years and wish they would "grow up" so fast. Not without teaching them to hide his word in their hearts, to pray for them and with them. I must not see my task as mundane... forgive me Lord. For not looking up, not focusing on what's important, for letting the world and life blind me to all that is truly important. Help me not to forget, though I do daily.